Hello, play therapists and all you other fabulous people that tune in to participate in this podcast series with me.
I just want to take a moment before we get started and do a special shout out. Thank you to all of the guests that we have had over the years of this podcast and I have just been so inspired. I hope you’ve been listening since we really turned it up a notch with our special guests since we crossed the 100th episode milestone.
I’ve just been so unbelievably inspired by all of the conversations and all of the learnings. So I hope you are feeling that way as well. And just thank you so much for the guests that have taken the time to have conversations with me so that we can share with you some of their genius and some of the amazing things that make them who they are in this world and keep us being able to learn from them.
And today I want to talk about the number one thing that gets us off track as a play therapist. And I’m going to tell you why I want to have this conversation. So over the many years that I’ve been doing this, I have also been invited into conversations on podcasts and webinars and such.
And I frequently get asked the question, what’s the one piece of advice that you would love to give play therapists or individuals that are working therapeutically with children in some way? And I find myself talking so much about the importance of authenticity and I thought, you know what? I know I talk about that a lot in so many different ways. In so many ways, it is the crux of Synergetic Play Therapy. But it’s not easy, right? Authenticity is not something that is easy and it has so many implications for us as clinicians.
So let’s get into that in our conversation today. So the number one thing that gets us off track as a play therapist is trying to be someone that we’re not. I mean, it really is that.
Trying to be someone that we are not. And that shows up in so many different ways for us as clinicians. For many of us that gets rooted right from the very beginning in our training.
We take on these ideas and these beliefs about what we think we are supposed to do and what we shouldn’t do. And we take on these different paradigms that sometimes are congruent for us and sometimes are not congruent for us. And as I’m saying this, I really want to make sure that you are hearing that when we do begin our learning and our journey, we really do need to step into a theory.
It really is important. It’s important that we step into a theory. It’s important that we step into a paradigm that we try it on, that we learn about what it is, what it isn’t, why it is.
Because we need something to orient to, right? We need to be able to find ourselves and to get a sense of what ultimately feels most true for us. And then at some point, everyone, we got a question, right? There is this place where once we have learned enough and once we have been in the process enough where we do need to take a step back and look at our own experience with however it is that we think we should be a play therapist. And the best place for us to get curious about that is through our own body and our own activation.
Because our bodies don’t lie. Our bodies give us information about our own enthusiasm, gives us information about our own congruency. Here’s something to think about.
The more incongruent we are in our lives, the more Dysregulation we have. One of the really brilliant things about Dysregulation is that it’s actually one of the feedback mechanisms in our bodies to let us know how well we are being ourselves. The more we are functioning from a should or a shouldn’t, the more Dysregulated we actually become.
So it really comes back to when we’re trying to be someone that we’re not. It really is a Dysregulating experience. Now, the reason why this is so important for us clinically is because as we become Dysregulated, because we are not being ourselves, we actually disconnect from our own internal intuition.
We disconnect from our felt sense in our body and we actually go up into our head. If you just pause and think about that, right? If I am moving through the world or I’m conducting a play therapy session thinking well I should do this or I shouldn’t do that. That’s a cognitive mental process, right? That is me in my mind trying to figure out what to do next, right? That is me in my mind trying to figure the child out.
They should do this, they shouldn’t do this, the parents should do this, they shouldn’t do this. And that level of thinking, that very heady level of thinking is actually a disconnection from the body. And it is in the body where we actually have the most accurate amount of data to let us know what actually needs to happen, not necessarily what we’re told should happen or shouldn’t happen.
Or the box that we’re trying to put the kid in, in that moment. Or the box that we’re trying to put ourselves in in that moment. But all of a sudden, what the moment needs is what the moment needs.
I’ll give an example. Sometimes the sand needs to come out of the box. But if we have been trained that sand should never come out of the box, well, what happens on that day when the sand needs to come out of the box? We will get so caught up in trying to be someone that we are not, if you will, trying to follow the rule, trying to follow the script, trying to follow that thing that we think is right versus wrong versus tuning in and letting the moment say, today the sand needs to come out of the box.
And so therefore, how do I create an experience for the sand to come out of the box in a way that is both honoring of me and what feels comfortable for me and honoring of my client who is looking for this kind of expression. As I say that, I’m just going to invite us all to just take a deep breath. I hear this.
Actually, I’m going to take another breath. I went a little fast there. I hear this so often from my students.
In fact, I even read this somewhere. I think it was on a Facebook post. Maybe this idea of authenticity came up in a Facebook post or thread and someone just chatted in.
You know, the thing you need to do is just be yourself in the room, and that’s the most important thing. And there you go. Training done.
And as I read that, I thought, how simple and how hard. There’s a reason why, for example, the Synergetic Play Therapy certification program. It’s a long process from the time that you start with like an intro course and the time that you finish, you’re in a two year journey.
And in some ways, when you finish, you’re still just beginning the journey. Because this idea of discovering who we are is not easy. It’s not easy to listen to our own intuition.
It’s not easy to challenge the messages in our head. It’s not easy to challenge the different fears that we have that prevent us from being able to trust our intuition, which I’m going to say this over and over again in this podcast, is ultimately what’s needed for attunement. If I’m trying to be someone that I’m not, if I’m trying to function from a script, if I’m trying to follow a protocol because I think that’s what I’m supposed to do, I’m not going to be able to attune very well to myself.
And as a result, I’m not going to be able to attune very well to my client. And there’s a high probability in those moments that my client is going to feel missed. There’s a high probability that there might be a rupture because there isn’t a sense of congruency.
There isn’t a sense of attunement in those moments. And so this journey of really discovering who am I as a play therapist, what does that mean for me? What modality feels most like me? What parts of different modalities feel most like me? Sometimes as a play therapist, there isn’t one that fully captures the essence of who we are.
Sometimes we need to draw from many different modalities. Some of us are more eclectic in our approach. Some of us are nondirective and directive.
Some of us are just nondirective. Some of us are just directive. Some of us, our congruency is always having parents in the room.
Others, it’s working with parents in a uniquely different way. There isn’t a right way to be a play therapist. I want to say that like, 20 million times.
There isn’t a right way to be a play therapist. There’s your way to be a play therapist. And yes, it has to be rooted in a theory.
Yes, it has to be rooted in something that is sound. Yes. And how do you begin to start to orient to your trainings and to the things that you study? Everything you’ve ever heard in this podcast as an example, as suggestions, really important suggestions, suggestions that really do need to be considered.
We need to think about the ethics of what we’re doing. We do need to keep ourselves in check and right. And how do we show up in that playroom most ourselves? Because when we’re not, it’s the thing that gets us off track.
Not allowing ourselves to explore and discover who we are, not allowing ourselves to explore and discover what feels most true for us, to question why we do what we do, why we think what we think. Why do we do that? Protocol. Can I really embody can I become the very thing? Can I become the very modality that I am attempting to share with my client? There’s a difference between, hi, I’m Lisa, and I do synergetic play therapy versus Lisa.
Hi, I’m Lisa, and I’m a synergetic play therapist. Right. It’s an embodiment of whatever it is that feels most true for us, because when we are embodied in that way and on that level, we become deeply congruent.
And that is one of the essential ingredients for healing. Our client needs our authenticity. Our client needs our congruency.
The more congruent we are, the more we give ourselves access to be able to regulate, to deeply connect. The more we do that, the more we have something to offer our clients, right? Our clients can orient towards this thing inside of us that feels steady, that feels strong, that feels congruent as they are trying to figure out who they are, right? We can almost look at this as our kids come in and they’re off track at times in who they are because they’re listening to the shoulds, right? They’ve ingested the messages about who they are supposed to be, how they’re supposed to be, how they’re supposed to show up in the world, how the world is supposed to operate, and they’re dysregulated as a result. So here we are trying to support our kids in discovering their most authentic version and expression of themselves.
And then when we’re not, we’re not modeling the very thing that we would like them to step into. So being able to deeply attune to ourselves and to really think about what authenticity is, is not only healing for ourselves and healing for our own dysregulation and activating, but it isn’t one of the number one ingredients that is needed for our clients to also heal and to integrate as well. There’s a question that often comes up in this conversation, which is, gosh, Lisa, where do you know? Where do I begin? How do I even begin to figure out what’s me and what isn’t me? And I want to point you back to your body.
I said earlier already that your body’s giving you clues. You’ve become highly dysregulated when you’re trying to be someone that you’re not. Are you finding yourself dreading going into certain parts of your day? Why are you noticing that your anxiety and that your irritability levels are higher when you do certain things? Notice that.
Are you noticing that when you do other things? Like, for example, when you’re in a session, if you bring art in, do you notice that your capacity seems bigger? Well, that’s a clue about your connection with art. And maybe art needs to be considered to be a larger part of your practice. Maybe you light up with weaving in EMDR.
Maybe you light up when you weave in the parent work. Maybe you light up whatever it may be, but watch your energy. Where is your window of tolerance the greatest? Where is it easier for you to connect with yourself? Where do you feel most inspired? Because those are clues about where you’re being most authentic.
Also, like I was saying, where are you absolutely exhausted? Where are you feeling feelings of resistance? Where do you have things on your to do list that you never get to? Because those parts of your life and those parts of your clinical practice, there’s something there that’s not congruent, right? There’s something there that is off. Now, it doesn’t mean just stop doing it. It just means get curious, because maybe there’s a way that you could do it in a way that does feel more inspiring, right? That does light you up.
So I think that’s step one is just begin to notice as you move through the world. Just watch your energy. Use it as clues and feedback for yourself.
The second one, if you haven’t already listened to the podcast episodes on Interoception, I really invite you to go back and listen to those because I really believe that part of our work as clinicians is to develop an embodied practice. The more that we live in our head and the more we are in an analysis or analytical left brain mode with our clients, the easier it is for those shoulds to come in and the easier it is for us to disconnect from what actually to disconnect from the feedback that our body is trying to give us. So to be able to have an embodied practice, to wake up our interoceptive sense, to wake up the experiences in our body that let us know how we’re doing, that help us know and guide us into what does that moment need.
It’s my body that whispers to me, hey, it’s okay if the sand comes out of the box, let’s find a way to support this. It’s my body that whispers to me that says, hey Lisa, notice the activation and take a deep breath because you need a breath right now and so does your client. It’s the body that whispers and says, hey Lisa, you know, right now probably important for you to go directive because maybe some containment is needed or time to bring the parent in.
It’s my body that whispers that to me, not my head when I am being congruent and when I am really attuned in being myself in the moment. So I’m going to leave this conversation at that. I’m going to leave this conversation with this urge to you to just watch yourself as you move through your life.
Watch your energy. Just begin to notice, begin to get curious when people say, hey, just be yourself or just be authentic. Please know it’s not easy.
It’s a journey and it often requires community and it requires feedback and it requires handholding because it’s scary and it requires deep questioning. There’s a reason why we often struggle to be because again, it’s not an easy process. So on that note, play Therapists I’m going to say again, the number one thing that gets us off track is us not giving ourselves permission to be ourselves and not taking the time to question and look at the feedback that we’re getting that’s letting us know when that is actually happening, when we are off track.
Because we’re not being ourselves. So best to you on the journey. Deep breaths on the journey.
As always, take care of yourselves and remember you are the most important toy in that playroom. I am so grateful that you are a listener to this podcast series. I’m so grateful that you spend this time with me.
I’m so grateful that you tune in and listen to the guests so grateful that you are on the planet and that you are also out in the world, doing what you’re doing and doing the incredible work that I know you’re doing, trying to sift through what ultimately is most congruent for you. Until next time.
