Hi, listeners. Thank you for joining me today for another episode from the Lessons from The Playroom podcast. And today we are going to focus in on your questions. For the last, well really since the inception of this podcast, I have received so many emails with just these little questions. You know, what do you do with this and what happens when this and you know what are the little lessons about this? And we have collected them, and from time to time I record an episode that is just based on the questions that you have sent in. So here is another one, and I’m going to do my best to tackle three questions, I hope. That the answers are supportive in some way to your process. I want to thank those of you that have sent your questions in. Please keep sending them in, and as I go through this, I think it’s always important for me to name my answers aren’t necessarily right. I’m just offering a perspective. The way I would conceptualize it, but you may conceptualize it in a very different way, and that is totally OK. So take this conversation and put it wherever it feels meaningful for you.
So the very first question that I want to get into, which I think is a super interesting question, which is why I chose it, and it’s from Chrissy. And Chrissy’s asking this question. The question is this: “What do you do when a child can’t decide on what to play with, or doesn’t even play even after coming for weeks?” So I chose this question because it’s actually two questions in one question, so I want to separate out the question and I want to answer it as if it’s two questions. So I want to start with this first piece: What do you do when a child can’t decide on what to play with? So let’s just start there.
So the first thing that I want us to orient to is that when a child comes in and they can’t decide what to play with, first of all, just what does that feel like? You know, if you’re standing there or you’re sitting there with the client because my guess is that there’s going to be a feeling that arises. In you, and a very likely feeling that’s going to come up is almost like this urge to do something, right? This urge to do. OK, do I initiate play? Do I, you know, sort of make this easier for them? And I want, before we even talk about what to do, I want you just to feel that for a second because there’s so much information in just acknowledging the part of us that is uncomfortable and then wants to get out of the situation that can arise in us when we’re with someone who can’t make a decision. And I just think that’s really, really important. Likely also that feeling that’s arising in us, likely that’s also what’s going on inside the child in those moments. So this sort of hesitation, uncertainty, you know, what do I, what do I do, do I, do I say something? Do I not say something? Do I? So we’re just going to start there as a backdrop to get curious about what does that even feel like?
Alright. Now, because we don’t have the context for how this is playing out because there can be many reasons why a child can’t decide on what to play, I want just to highlight a couple that can be interesting considerations. The first is: Is this a child, in general, that has a hard time just initiating things? You know, is this the child that tends to stand on the sideline and be an observer? Is this a child who defaults to other people to make decisions for them, so their locus of control, if you will, is outside of themselves, so they’re almost like, not even trusting or knowing what would be meaningful or interesting to them to do because they’re just so used to somebody else taking care of them or stepping in and making decisions for them, you know, for them.
Another consideration which kind of bleeds into what I’m where I’m going to go with the second part of the question is: What’s their emotional age? Because if they are super young emotionally, that also may be contributing to why they’re having a hard time making a decision. I mean, if you think about it, an infant isn’t necessarily making decisions on what to play with. Right. They’re young. They’re, they’re, they’re, they almost need the support, right, of others to be able to initiate and begin a process. So it really kind of depends on who your child is and what the circumstances are and what the context is where this happens. But what I’m going to really caution you on is just jumping in, right? Just jumping in. Because the part of this child’s journey, whatever the situation is that’s bringing them to this moment, is learning how to be with the part of them that has a hard time making a decision. Right? To be with the part of them that has uncertainty. Maybe they’re afraid to make a decision because they have a belief system that they’re going to get it wrong or there’s a right decision to make. Maybe it is, again, this child who just tends to be more hesitant to jump in and just, you know, do something. And so they’re a little bit more anxious, a little bit more reserved or maybe it’s this child who orients outside of themselves and sort of relies on others to be able to make decisions for them.
You know, whatever that is, whatever the situation is, we can talk about it as the child. You know, this is some beautiful practice for the child to learn how to connect and be with themselves in this hard moment of not knowing how to make a decision, which is going to then bleed over to the therapist, and the therapist also being with the part of themselves that’s like, “Ah, I’m now also feeling what it feels like to struggle to make a decision.” You know, what do I do? What do I do? So my invitation is to breathe. My invitation is to feel. My invitation is to co-regulate through that experience.
And the other piece I’m going to say with this is that if the child is super stuck in this, and they are beginning to emotionally flood, that would be a beautiful time for us to be able to step in and to offer them some support and maybe make some suggestions because the feeling of just being in the unknown of, “Gosh, it’s hard to make a decision. It’s hard to know what to choose. There’s so many options. It’s hard to know what to orient to,” that maybe that feels too outside their window of tolerance, and so we might need to support them in making a choice or offering some suggestions.
So I just, I know I just threw out a lot of different things, a lot of different angles. Again, we don’t have the exact context for the situation, but these are different things to be thinking about and considering when this moment shows up in the playroom.
And then I want to go right into the second part of the question, which is: “And what if they don’t even play after coming in for weeks?” And this is the piece that I just referenced a couple of minutes ago, which is, are we aware of their emotional age? Because infants don’t play in the classic way that we would think about a child playing. So I really want you to consider, is that part of what’s going on, is that we’re expecting the child to be 4 or 5 or 10, but actually, we have a child that’s much, much younger, and therefore we’re not even at symbolic play yet. I mean, we’re not even there in their emotional development, and so the play doesn’t have the symbolic play that we typically see in a play therapy process.
And so maybe your play therapy sessions are really more about being with each other. And, you know, again, I don’t have the context to know, “Well, what are they doing if they’re not playing, or are they just sitting there, or are they just playing quietly with, you know, a ball?” Are they, you know, what are they doing? So I don’t have the context to be able to go into that, but I want you to consider the possibility that you’re with a baby. And so how would you be with a baby? You know, you’d probably be a little bit more quiet, not silent per se, but you’re doing a little bit more orienting around the room and, wow, noticing that and noticing that. You know, being with and allowing the child to be a much younger version of themselves, maybe. Maybe they are, again, just moving around the room, but they’re not actually playing. That’s OK, you know, move with them.
So, I hope I just offered a couple little pieces that can be helpful. Again, knowing I don’t have the actual context for how this is playing out, and that’s an important consideration. Whenever we’re thinking about what to do in a moment, it’s important that we don’t start to create scripts for ourselves. So for example, when a child does this, then we do this, or when this happens in the playroom, we do this, because there’s always variability. There’s always context. There’s always nuances, and so a script likely does not always fit every situation. Every child is different. Every therapist is different. Every moment is different. But these are some of the things to consider about the possibility.
So even as I’m talking about the child not playing after coming for weeks, I was offered one possibility that they’re emotionally younger, and so they’re not even at symbolic play, but there could be other reasons why that’s not happening also. So those are a couple things to think about for those two questions. Hopefully, that’s helpful.
Alright, I’m going to pause and take a breath before I go into the next question here. And this next question is from Sally, and Sally’s question is a really common question, and her question is this: “What do you do when the parent tells you they don’t want their child to play with aggressive toys or do aggressive play, like war?” Such a great question.
So, likely, the child is, if the parent’s going to say something like that, I’m going to take a guess here that the child either has some aggressive behaviors happening, or actually, as I’m saying that, maybe or not, maybe the parents in your playroom, and they just happen to see that you have some of these toys, and that makes them nervous. So let’s actually unpack that from two different perspectives, too. Let’s go with the child. You have a child that does have some aggressive types of behaviors going on. It’s really important to help parents understand that the aggressive behavior is actually just the expression of something else. So because the aggressive behavior can be scary, it can feel overwhelming, and it can create a feeling of worry inside the parents. There can be this natural inclination for the parent to want to make it stop or just to shut it down, or again, just to focus on, “Look, we just need the aggressive behavior to stop.”
In the parents’ minds, they’re probably going to be equating that with aggressive kinds of play. Like, “We’re just not going to do aggressive kinds of play,” because the thought of it feels scary. It likely feels in their minds like, “Well, if you’re doing aggressive play, then you’re just going to reinforce some of these aggressive behaviors.”
So, helping parents understand that the aggression is an extension, it’s an expression of something else, and so if it doesn’t come into the play space, how are we going to learn how to work with it? How are we going to learn how to address the underlying reasons why the aggression is coming out in the first place?
And so, I really try to help parents understand that the playroom is the perfect place for aggressive play. Because if they don’t explore it in the context of therapy, where they get to learn about these urges inside of them, where they get to learn about their behaviors, they get to learn about conflict, and they get to learn about what happens in their body—what this feels like, the impact—then they have a higher probability of expressing it outside the playroom in a way that’s not governed.
So that’s a really big link that I try to help parents make and understand. Is that working through aggressive play in the playroom is not going to reinforce it. In fact, us not playing it out in the playroom has a likelihood of reinforcing it because the child’s trying to work through something. They’re trying to understand something that is going on in their inner world. And so, let’s bring it into the therapy in a way that is contained and in a way that the child really gets to integrate whatever’s happening for them that’s leading to the expression of the different aggressive behaviors.
So, I think that’s one perspective. But let’s say the other scenario is that the child’s not exhibiting these types of behaviors, but the parent comes in and they just see some of these aggressive types of toys in your playroom, and that really makes them nervous. I think that’s a beautiful opportunity for an exploration with the parent around: What about that makes them nervous? What are they worried about? If the child were to play “war,” what would they be worried about? If the child were to play with aggressive toys?
If we don’t really understand what the worry is or what the concern is, then we can’t really address it very well. So I would start there, help them, you know, get curious with them about what that is. And you might find yourself circling back to the first part of this question, which is helping them understand the wisdom in being able to explore that in the context of therapy.
Now, at the end of it all, let’s say the parents are still like, “Nope, it’s just not going to happen. We’re not going to do it.” Let’s say that it’s seeing your toys that activate that nervousness. Just take the toys out of the room. Like, that’s totally fine. And we all know that if the child needs to explore these urges, they’ll find a way to explore these, with or without aggressive types of toys in the playroom. And if they do, I think that then circles back around to another conversation with the parents around, “Look, we took the toys out, and this is still what they’re needing to explore.”
So that’s an awesome question, Sally. Thank you so much for that question. I’ve heard that question many, many, many, many times over the years, and I just appreciate you bringing that here so that we can address it on the podcast.
The last question comes from Carolyn, and this is another really common one and one that, hopefully, when I share what the question is, it’ll make you smile a little bit. The question is this: How do you respond when a child says, “I love you”? Or—I’ve had children before ask me if I would be willing to… Lisa, will you move in with me? I’ve had a child who straight up asked me if I would be their mother. I’ve had children over the years tell me, “You’re my favorite person,” or “You’re my best friend.” “I love you. I want to be with you always.” So we’ve had versions of that from kids, and it can be an awkward moment of, “How do you respond?” Because, obviously, we’re not going to move in with the child, and we’re not going to be best friends and all of that.
And I think it’s really about acknowledging what’s underneath the statement or the question. And what’s underneath it all is that you’re really important to that child, and that therapy space is really important to that child. And if they’re going so far as to make those statements, likely they feel really seen and heard by you, and that’s really the part to be acknowledged.
So, if a child is saying, “I love you,” you can say, “Gosh, you know what? It feels like our relationship is really special. It feels really good to be here. I understand that I’m really important to you, and it is okay for you to say to a child, ‘You’re important to me,’ because it’s true. They are important to us.”
It is okay to say to a child, “I care a lot about you.” So I think, however we want to go about it, it’s less about saying, “I love you back,” or “Yeah, you’re my best friend too,” or—I mean, I probably wouldn’t be saying that—but it’s really about, and again, you will have the context, and you know a lot about the child at this point, so how do you respond? Really, what are they trying to tell you, and what’s underneath the question?
Now, as I’m saying that, I just had another scenario pop up in my mind, which again just gives reinforcement to… We can’t really have scripts. We can just have things to consider in these moments because, you know, every situation is different when these things arise. But what if, what if the child said, “I love you” in the first session? Okay, that’s very different than a child saying, “I love you” after you two have been in a relationship for a while. Can you even hear with that the context matters, right? The context matters. What we know about what’s happening in the relationship at this stage of therapy matters.
You know, if it happened in the very first session, that’s a lot of information. That’s a little bit of a “whoa,” like, “You don’t even know me.” And so, being able to respond to them, “Wow, you’re feeling strong feelings for me, we just met,” and being able to just acknowledge the impact of a statement like that in the very first session is really important. Likely, they’re trying to merge or bond or they want you to really like them. And again, how exactly you’d respond? I wish I had a script, but I don’t. It all depends on how they say it in the moment, and the context.
I know, I feel like a broken record, as I’m saying, but all of that will determine how you respond. I would just encourage you, when you do respond, to respond authentically, to respond with an open heart, and to co-regulate through whatever it is that happens as you are sharing whatever it is that you share.
So, three cool questions. Thank you again, everyone. I’m going to keep doing these, so send your questions in. But for today, the learnings are: Context, context, context, context, context, context. Hopefully, something in this episode was interesting and gets you thinking. And wherever you are in the world, take care of yourself, because you’re the most important toy in that playroom.
Until next time.
