Welcome back to the next episode from the Lessons from the Playroom podcast. This time, once again, I have invited some important people in my life to join me to have a conversation. Two of my certified Synergetic Play therapists, both residing in Canada, have joined me.
So we have with us Helen Ritchie and Christina Dixon, who are going to introduce themselves here in a minute to you. But I’ve invited them on for us to have a conversation about the challenges of working with parents and caregivers. I hear so often that I feel like I’ve got it down with the child in the room.
Working with the child feels I’ve got my brain wrapped around that. But working with the parents and caregivers, it feels more complex, more complicated, even at times a bit more scary. So we’re going to bring to life some of the challenges that can come up and have a discussion and hopefully offer you some guidance and some conversation for you to begin to settle into.
So, as I mentioned, I would love these two lovely ladies to introduce themselves. Helen, would you introduce yourself first? Sure. I’m Helen Ritchie.
I’m an elementary school counselor and a private practice play therapist in Vancouver, Canada. I also give workshops for school staff and parents, and I’m a Synergetic Play Therapy supervisor and consultant. And I lived in the UK and Canada and Japan and France.
So I have a multicultural lens on my work as well. Wonderful. Christina? Yeah, I’m Christina.
I also live in Vancouver, Canada. My work right now is all family based. I work with the complex families in my full time work, and I also am a private practice practitioner where I use family work and play therapy in my work and working a lot with parents and caregivers.
And I also supervise interns as well. Wonderful. So as I’ve shared, you two ladies are very important people in my life and I am super grateful that you’ve joined me for this conversation so that we can get into this a little bit to support our listeners who are all over the world.
So can we just start name and normalize that? Working with parents and caregivers does feel challenging sometimes and maybe let’s even just start there. Why do you both think that? Why is it challenging? Why is it challenging in a different way than just working with the child? And maybe, Christina, you can jump in there, find well, there are a few reasons. There’s a lot of nervous systems that are coming into the room at the same time a family dynamic is playing out, and you’re supporting that.
I also think there’s a lot of expectation when parents bring their child in for help and support as coming to a therapist. I think their journey has been very long in our area here, too. It can be weightless and things like that.
So they’ve often been kind of challenged in finding a counselor right away. So they’re just sort of feeling exhausted, maybe, or just like, just help me right now. That’s what often parents come to this session with.
That’s such a good reminder. I think sometimes when we are preparing to meet a new family system, we’re anxious, we’re nervous, what are they going to think about us? And we can be focused inward on our process and sometimes forget, wait a second, what’s it been like to even get here? What has the parent had to do or experience or wait through or whatever to finally arrive with us? So I appreciate you offering that reminder for us to maybe pause and see parents a little bit more clearly and deeply. It’s definitely a challenge to kind of switch that a little bit around, realizing the journey for them as well.
Well, it makes sense then that sometimes the pressure we feel when they walk in the door, help fix my kid now, tomorrow. No, this can’t be a process. It has to happen overnight because they want the relief from whatever they’re experiencing internally and in the system.
Absolutely. Yeah. And Helen.
What about you? What do you think? I was just thinking about sometimes how that urgency shows up is sometimes in my private work, I always have an intake before I see the child. And there’s some parents like, I don’t want this intake time. I need you to see my child immediately.
And earlier on, I kind of gave into that urgency, and it didn’t go well after that because I found out you really need the intake time to just settle in and find out all the things that have been happening. Absolutely. They feel the urgency.
Yeah, absolutely. So I would love to hear from both of you. What do you feel is one of the biggest challenges working with parents and caregivers something for us to really talk through and think through? Well, one of the things I am really challenged by on occasion is that because I’m systems and focused on family, I use the word team.
So I’m really trying to help support parents to join the team that is, team Child or Team Kid. So really focusing on in the best interest of the child. How can we join together, and I can support you in your parenting.
And much like Helen’s saying, it’s kind of like, could you just, here’s my kid. Can you do what you do and then give them back to me? And so just helping parents understand or come alongside the parent to say, like, this is a joint effort here. This is something we can do together, and supporting them in that way and helping them I want to say convince them, but it’s not really convinced.
It’s more like, how can I support you so you can support your child? Let’s tease that out a little bit. I think that would be great for us to just brainstorm. How do we do that? How do we bring a parent or a caregiver in to feel like they are part of the team? And I’ll start with the first thought that comes into my mind, is the attitude in which we welcome them into the relationship.
So the difference, for example, between I’m the expert and you’re not, and even that attitude of I’m the expert reinforces that there is a separation or I’m doing something separate from versus an attitude of there are pieces that I know and there are pieces that you know that I’ll never know. And therefore I need your help as I’m helping you. Right.
So that sense of really honoring and valuing and appreciating that the parent or caregiver is going to know and experience things that we don’t have privilege to experience. So that’s the first thing that comes to mind is the attitude in which we even think about parents, in which we even invite them into the process, can help them be part of the team. That’s the first thing that comes to mind for me.
What starts to come up for both of you? I sort of think about the partnership that Christina is talking about and how we talk about it is so important in inviting the parents to share what they do and share their wisdom as a parent versus us telling them, you need to do this, this and the other. What are you doing right now? And how can we work together, maybe to tweak some of the things that are happening? And are you willing to try out some different things that may or may not work? Not that I have all the answers, but maybe we could try different things and see what works for you and your child, because I don’t know what’s happening in their home, but I can offer suggestions. Absolutely.
Yeah. And I really like just sort of knowing, like, I would see your child an hour a week or hour every two weeks, and you’re with them all the rest of the time. So this is really how can we have a view into? And I think that highlighting the piece around the intake session of sort of helping parents when we feel that energy, how do we sort of slow down and just take it.
You’re here now. Let’s just start here. You made it, you landed.
And then sort of go through the step by step process. And often in the intake meeting, I’ll just break down here’s how I work. And how would that suit you in terms of your family and what your needs are at this time and having a really frank and honest discussion about like, you get to be part of this.
Isn’t it wonderful? And sort of honoring that piece for them too. I think the slowdown piece has been really help because it is a bit of a nervous system frantic, we’re here, I need help. And it’s like, okay, yeah, we’re here.
My brain was jumping into the nervous system piece too, as you were sharing around how I think part of also being a team, there’s a felt sense in that. And to me, I kept thinking as we’re having this conversation, it’s that felt sense of co regulation. It’s that felt sense of being seen and held by someone and our role in that from the very, very beginning.
So our own ability, whether it’s the first point of contact on the phone or if we’re doing a teletherapy session and it’s the intake or in person or however that happens, our own not just orientation to our attitude. Towards them, but also do we recognize that how we show up on a nervous system level also invites them into feeling part know our own ability to co regulate with our own ability to as you were saying, Christina? To support the slowdown, to take a breath together, to honor, to recognize they’re borrowing our nervous system. In those moments, that that felt sense of that helps someone feel like they’re part of a team, helps them feel like they’re part of something that feels special or different or important.
And we know from there the significance of that just therapeutically. We’re already then starting to offer them new templates and new ways of orienting towards themselves and empowering themselves and that type of a great what a great thing to bring up. Christina, thank you so much for introducing that idea right there so that we could have a discussion about so, listeners, how do we really help our parents and caregivers feel like they are part of a team? I want to add a little nuance in here.
It’s actually a question of what if they don’t want to be part of the team? Because I think that’s important, right as we’re talking about, yes, we’re to welcome them in. But let’s be honest, we’ve got some parents and caregivers that don’t want to be part of the team, and maybe it’s important that they’re not part of the team. When I say that, I mean if I have a parent or caregiver that is so stressed out that maybe the thing that the system actually needs for a short period of time is a place to drop their kid off.
Maybe what they actually need is a I trust you, and it’s so helpful for me to know that my child is working with you so that I can take that deep breath and I can go to the grocery store so I can make sure there’s food on the table for my family. I think sometimes we have to also check our own belief systems about what that team looks like because maybe it doesn’t always look like togetherness. Maybe it can also look like a team approach around agreements about what’s best for everyone.
And maybe there are times in treatment where what’s best is not to be talking every single week or for the parent not to be in the playroom or I don’t know, that’s just what came to mind is what about those parents? Yeah, I think that as you’re talking, I was just thinking about rest. Even though the system is like, it’s so important to meet the maslow, like the food, shelter, all the basic needs. And sometimes it is like single parents, it’s like, okay, I’ve got an hour.
And sometimes it’s even not going grocery shopping. Is my waiting room inviting enough for them to sit and just have an hour of just like and then maybe we have a ten minute conversation every second week or 15 minutes, and that’s part of that part. But absolutely, I think we can have the ideal.
And then I love that if a parent says, I just need rest, I’m like, yeah, okay, let’s work this through because this is what you need right now. Again. Yeah.
What I’ve noticed in terms of connection with parents is I used to sometimes because I don’t have a waiting room and so wasn’t really inviting to talk with parents in the hallway where their child is still in the playroom. But what I’ve noticed is it works better to have a ten minute call right after time, even in the hallway, right after the session, versus trying to plan a phone call for parents who are very busy just having them be there and talk to them right then and there. Seems to work much better with busy schedules versus trying to plan and schedule a phone call in a busy time for the parents.
That worked better for me. I’m having this little mantra come up into my head as we’re talking that says, take care of the parent so the parent can take care of the child. And how do we hold that and how do we embody what that means? Because that means so many things on so many levels, but how do we take care of the parent? Because the parent is going to feel like they’re part of the team and they’re going to feel like they’re part of the partnership if they feel seen and they feel taken care.
Good conversation. Thanks for bringing that one up, Christina. So, Helen, I’m going to ask you the same question then.
So what’s the challenge that comes up for you? One that comes up for me is when I’m talking with parents after the session or talking with parents from schools on the phone, is when parents were talking about ideas of how they might support their child at home. And the parent knows a lot about the nervous system in the brain and they are saying that they’re doing certain things. And I wonder if they are happening.
So there seems to be a little bit of a disconnect and I’m not sure how these concepts are being used and trying to find a way to ask them to tell me a little bit more about how that looks in their home, say at bedtime, how they apply these things. So sometimes that’s challenging when I know that they know the ideas, but I don’t know that they’re always able to, in these challenging situations, put some of these ideas into practice. If they resonate with them, obviously, if they don’t resonate with them, that’s another thing.
Wow, it’s such another great conversation piece for us. So great as you’re saying that too. I’m also thinking of the parents that will say I tried that didn’t work, or yeah, I’m trying to do that, I’m working on those things that we said we were working on and they just don’t work for me, right? They don’t work for me, they don’t work for my child kind of a thing too.
There’s a piece in there. Also, I want to start this part of the conversation with this idea of templates, which I kind of alluded to when I was sharing in the last part of this discussion, which is that sometimes we set parents and caregivers up, not intentionally to not be successful, but we do. Because when we are talking to them or teaching them something or offering them something, we’re making assumptions about, number one, that they do know what we’re talking about.
Number two, they know what it looks like when it’s implemented and number three, they’d understand the nuances of it because as we know, any strategy never goes exactly the way that it’s planned and you have to course correct in the midst of strategies. So how do we even attune enough to course correct for a strategy to remain successful if we need to shift it just a little bit versus just following a script? And I see this so often that we make these assumptions and then parents and caregivers, they try, but they try based on what they think they’re supposed to do and then they’re not then getting the results. So for me, one of the questions is how are we ensuring, number one, that they do know what we’re talking about, so we’re not making assumptions about their understanding of what we’re saying.
And then number two, how are we offering them the template, which is the practice to then so they know what it feels like they know what it looks like to then be able to go and do whatever it is. I’ll give two examples. So when I say, for example, when I say to both of you, let’s say you’re both parents that I was working with, and I said, okay, so what I really would love for you to do this weekend with your child is to just find 20 minutes of just real connected time, right? So we totally know what that means.
We know what that means. There are many parents have no concept of what I just said. What does connected time mean? Does that mean sitting together and watching a television show? Does that mean doing homework together? Does that mean what does that actually look like? And what does that actually mean? So that would be an example of using language and vocabulary where there may not be an understanding of what we’re saying.
When we say to parents things like, I want you to practice sharing your feelings with your child, that’s great. If a parent actually has a template on what that actually looks like. But if a parent has their own history and has had their own experience of not knowing how to do that, not knowing what that looks like, what that looks like in a way that’s not dumping on top of the child because sure, we can share our emotions, right? You’re being mean to me, and I’m so mad at you.
That’s one version of sharing emotions. And then there’s also the, wow, I’m feeling really stressed out and overwhelmed. I’m feeling really angry inside.
Right? There’s different levels. And so all this to say when we’re communicating, are we doing things to make sure they’re understanding? And then are we modeling? Are we practicing? Are we role playing? Are we saying, all right, I want to demonstrate this to you. I’m going to say something to you, and I want you to share with me how it feels.
And then I’m going to say it a different way and how does it feel? Okay. And then try it back. And how do we work with them to build their skill set and set them up for success at the same time and even conversation around? Okay, so we’ve practiced this.
All right, so we know probably sometime in the next week, your child’s going to whatever it is because it’s the pattern. All right, so do you feel ready? You want to try it this week? Okay, cool. Let’s already go ahead and think about what are some of the nuances of what could sort of go wrong? How do we even troubleshoot those ahead of time? What if your child says this or does this? And how do you course correct? So all that to say templates, how are we helping the parents and caregivers get templates, also comes to mind.
Two words came to my mind as you’re saying about the templates. It’s like celebration. And permission.
So when a parent does something, I always say, just try it once, just try it once. And then when they’re like, I tried it and this went either sideways or went really well or both, I just outdo celebration, clap my hands and have a big celebration because that is just like honoring that they’re trying they’re trying to repattern and then even the piece around permission to just, oh yeah, that went sideways. That’s a mistake.
Let’s go back. We talk a lot about rupture and repair. Like, oops, here we go.
I got to go back and redo that one. Those two words popped into my head as you’re chatting about the template is getting really excited, like, oh yeah, tried it, awesome, way to go. But I didn’t do it.
Exactly. This we’re just allowing them for that space because they use different languages in their health or how they interact is very different. Yeah, that’s kind of the two words I thought of.
Yeah, absolutely. I also think about what I like to do with parents. Also with teachers that I work with, is sharing the times that I’ve really messed up and how I’ve learned from that and how I can change what I’m doing based on what I learned from my mistakes.
And I feel like it gives people permission to make those mistakes and learn from them. And I found that the parents and the teachers that I speak to and share my mistakes to, then they share their worries and concerns with me in a more vulnerable way because they feel know there’s permission to do that. That brings up another thought for me with Helen, your original question or not question, but the dilemma that we all encounter is how do we really know what they’re like? We don’t have a camera in their house.
How do we really know what it looks like when they’re trying to implement it? And how do we support them in course correcting and how do we do all of that? So Helen, as you were just sharing that, the thought came to mind. How do the parents that we work with, do they even feel comfortable telling us the things that they would label as a mistake? Right? And what do we do to help them feel comfortable to say I tried it and it didn’t go well or I want feedback or I want help and think what you just said is so key. How do we really become human to the parents and caregivers? And how do we normalize and even embrace another attitude of gosh, it’s just practice, we’re just trying stuff on just to see what works and what doesn’t work.
And as we all know, with kids, what works one month is not going to work the next month. So you’re constantly having to change strategies anyway. How do we help them feel like it is okay to say I tried it and it went sideways? Another thing that comes to mind for me with this type of discussion is I’m not a parent, so sometimes I feel like that’s a bit of a barrier.
But I’ve learned to use examples from when I’ve babysat my nieces and nephews when they were younger or my times when I’m helping kids at school. I use those same examples with parents to show them, again, my errors, and so they understand that I’m in it too. And I am trying my best and I make mistakes, and there’s permission to make mistakes and learn and grow from that.
Absolutely. I’m feeling the desire, I don’t know if you are, to take a breath and just have a moment of honoring parents and caregivers. As we’re having this conversation, I’m noticing my heart’s opening more towards parents and caregivers.
And even this just a reminder of the we’re in it together when the goal is to help a child heal. So I’m just having like a warm, fuzzy moment for parents and caregivers and the parents and caregivers that I’ve worked with over the years. So that’s what I’m noticing.
Yeah. Well, I think this has been a great conversation. Listeners, my hope is that this has you thinking about what are some of the big challenges that have come up for you and how are you getting support around them when you’re working with parents and caregivers? Keeping in mind these two things that we just covered today that are really essential around how do we help them feel like they’re part of a team and how do we set them up for success while also giving them permission to be a little clunky and messy in the process, recognizing that they’re on a learning curve as well.
So, ladies, Christina, Helen, thank you so much for your wisdom, for your sharing, for being a part of this conversation. Really appreciate that you have joined for this conversation today. And listeners, as always, take care of yourselves.
You are the most important toy in that playroom.
