Hi everyone. We are going to get into boundaries today. So important and so hard. I am going to touch on how we can think about this in the playroom.
But I actually want to spend the majority of the conversation just wrapping our minds around boundaries for ourselves because that really is the starting point for us then to know how to do them in the playroom. So when we think of boundaries, many of us tend to think of almost like a list of rules like you can’t do this or you can do this, and if you don’t do this, then this is going to happen. And that kind of a thing really, that’s not really the essence of a boundary and it’s not really what the boundary is designed for.
So I want us to think about boundaries more from the perspective of guidelines that help us stay connected to ourself. And because we’re going to explore it from that lens, we need to add in an understanding that boundaries are always changing and they’re always flexible. So setting a rule or having a sort of line drawn in the sand that says you can’t cross this or you can’t do this, actually really goes against human nature.
Because human nature, what we’re able to tolerate, what feels comfortable to us is actually changing moment to moment to moment based on how we are doing, based on how we’re perceiving whatever is happening in the moment, based on our window of tolerance. And so it’s a really flexible process that’s constantly adapting. So what I think that I’m trying to say here is that I really want to invite you into a more flexible orientation around boundaries, which is, as I say that out loud, I almost want to chuckle because I’m like, right, the word flexible and boundary, they almost sound like complete opposite words, but I want them to not be opposite words.
So because the moment that I need to set a boundary or the reasons why I would set a boundary are ever changing and so unique to a specific moment, I want us to circle back around to what I had said around it’s all sort of designed to help us stay connected to ourself. In fact, that’s actually what I define the boundary as. So the boundary, from my perspective, is the moment that you’re about to lose yourself.
I’ll say that again, the boundary occurs or is the moment that you are about to lose yourself. That’s when something needs to come in to be able to help you return back to yourself. Now, that’s a super different orientation to how we also tend to think about boundaries when they’re rules, because rules tend to be about trying to control something happening outside of ourselves.
So control someone else’s behaviors, control how something’s going down, et cetera, et cetera. But what I’m saying is it’s not so much about what they’re doing out there. It’s about the relationship that’s happening inside.
So let me give you an example. So my daughter, who I can’t even believe it, is 17 now and just started her senior year of high school, seriously feels like I just had her yesterday. What a journey.
There have been multiple times in my relationship with her where I have felt the need for a boundary. And I’ve had to play with this thinking as a parent, am I setting a boundary with her because I don’t agree with what she’s doing? Am I setting a boundary with her because I feel like I’m about to lose connection with myself? And it’s this really interesting question. And what I have found is that the boundaries that are most effective are the ones that come from a congruent place within me.
When I’m setting a boundary, more like a rule, it’s kind of clunky in that sometimes it doesn’t even make sense for her. It doesn’t even land for her because it’s like, why? It doesn’t make sense. And so it takes the interpersonal piece out of it.
So let’s say that, I don’t know, we’re in the kitchen, I’m cooking dinner, she’s doing something. I’m finding it to be quite distracting to my focus with what I’m doing, or it feels like a lot in my nervous system. There’s a difference between me recognizing, oh, I am about to disconnect from myself right now, and therefore I need to say something or set a boundary, because I’m about to lose me versus what she is doing is wrong.
I’m going to pause and just see if I can create a little space for that to land in you, because it’s a significant difference. One is, what do I need in my own system? And the other is about controlling her and labeling what she’s doing wrong. So I’m going to keep going with this.
So in this moment that I’m about to lose connection with myself, that’s a perfect opportunity for me to set a boundary. And the boundary, again, is about me, right? It’s me taking responsibility for me. So it may sound something like, hey, sweetie, I know that you are super enjoying doing X, Y, and Z, and my nervous system is struggling right now.
How about moving what you’re doing into a different room or really if I’m able to leave the environment, then I need to leave the environment. Although in this scenario if I’m cooking I might not be able to leave the environment. So notice that in my language, my language in the boundary isn’t hey stop.
Because you’re a distraction. The language is my nervous system feels sensitive, I’m feeling overwhelmed or it’s a lot for me to process while I’m trying to cook dinner. Would you be willing to take this into another space? So again it’s back to me now.
Let’s say the next night, same situation, I’m having dinner and you know what, my system is in a completely different place and this time her doing the same behavior doesn’t register in my body the same way. And so I may not need to set a boundary. I may be perfectly fine with whatever she is doing in the moment.
So you can see her behavior is not right or wrong, she’s just doing her. The question in the boundary is how am I doing in relationship to it? And then what do I need to have a moment of self love? It’s going to be another piece we’re going to add into boundaries. The ability to attune to ourselves and sense that moment when we are about to lose ourself and then do something to help us stay connected is an extraordinary act of self love.
It’s a moment of deep connection. It’s a moment of acknowledging I’m important here. It’s a moment of acknowledging our own internal sense of you know what, I’m worthy of paying attention to myself in this moment.
So I’m actually just going to invite you all to take a breath as you are listening. So in order for me to even sense this moment, I need to have a relationship with myself. And more specifically, I need to have a relationship with my body.
Because if I’m not in relationship with my body, I’m going to miss all the clues that are letting me know it’s time for me to set a boundary. So the boundary is really oh, I want to add another piece in here that just came to mind. I know I’m sitting here talking about the boundary is about relationship with self.
But what I want you to hear is that when we are able to honor this within ourself, we’re also able then to set a boundary with other in a way that also allows us to stay in relationship with them. So that it’s really about maintaining connection, which is so different than how we think about boundary because a rigid boundary rule actually creates separation and disconnection. But we’re talking about a deep honoring that actually provides an opportunity for connection.
Because I am listening to myself and I’m also not making the other person wrong and I’m not shaming the other person for whatever it is that they’re doing back to our bodies. What can we continue to do and cultivate within ourselves so that we can listen a little bit more deeply. We can sense those places inside of us that are starting to get a little wobbly.
Maybe they’re starting to rev up into some sympathetic arousal. Or maybe they’re starting to go into a shutdown response. And how do we notice that? How do we notice when things are starting to feel too much, when we’re starting to move into emotional flooding so that we can then do something? Now in the doing something? I realized that I just modeled one way to you of just being honest, right? Being honest at what’s happening in our own bodies.
It’s a version of acknowledging and redirecting. That’s what I just modeled. So it’s like, hey, this is really hard.
I really want to listen to you. I really want to pay attention to what you’re saying. And this is challenging.
Tell me another way. Show me another way. Help me understand another way.
There may be also times when the boundary is just a recognition of being done. And so maybe it’s not even a redirection. Maybe it’s just a done, which is the this is no longer feeling congruent for me.
Thank you, and we’re done here. Maybe that’s the boundary. Maybe the boundary is more of not even having to say something to someone else.
And maybe it’s just more moving into what do I need to do for my own system? So back to a parenting moment. Maybe she’s doing something that I’m finding challenging and I need to remove myself. I need to go into the other room.
I need to take a walk. I need to take responsibility for me again instead of making her responsible for me. I’m going to translate this over to the playroom here in just a bit.
But I want to talk about why this thing that I’m describing is so dang hard, because it really, really is. And I think it’s hard for a couple of reasons. But some of the big ones are that when we think about the need to set a boundary, I think for many individuals, it conjures up a fear of being rejected.
So if I say what I need to say or if I do what I need to do or I ask for what I need or I make that request or whatever it is, is this person or this group of individuals, are they going to like me? Are they going to reject me? Are they going to want to stay in connection with me? And it’s a big one and it’s a no joke big one. I think it’s important that we recognize the bigness of it because the fear of rejection is one of the biggest fears that sits inside of all of us, and it triggers the parts of the brain that are actually connected in with survival. So it really is a big deal when we think about the fear of rejection.
But here’s the thing. When we don’t set that boundary with ourself because we are afraid of rejection, we actually end up rejecting ourself. I’m going to say that one again when we don’t, right.
That feeling came up, that knowing came up, that intuition came up. That sense came up inside of us that said, this is starting to be too much. This isn’t working for me anymore.
This is no longer congruent. When we don’t set it because we’re afraid of being rejected, we actually end up choosing to be rejected anyway. And the rejection is a self rejection.
And then here’s the thing, because our bodies are so dang wise and our bodies talk to us and they let us know when we’re being true to ourself and when we’re not. When we reject ourself in that way, by not attending to ourselves, our bodies begin to talk and they begin to show symptoms, high level symptoms, potentially, at least on the spectrum of possibilities, of intense symptoms of our responses in our autonomic nervous system. And all designed to help wake us up to the fact that we’re not honoring ourself and we’re not setting the boundary.
We also go into self doubt, self questioning. This is a time when it’s easier to get sick, illness and disease kicks in. So much starts to happen in our physiology and our psychology to let us know that we are rejecting ourselves and we’re not setting a boundary that is honoring who we are and what our needs are in the moment.
So I’m going to take a pause on that one. That one might have felt really big for some of you that are listening. So just take a breath.
If so, I’m just talking here about boundaries are flexible. They shift moment to moment. I can’t even know if I need to set a boundary until I get to the moment.
That’s the interesting thing. I can go into a situation going, I’m going to need to set a boundary. You might get there and realize you don’t need to set the boundary.
I have worked with enough couples in my career who said at the time when they got together, they wrote out a list of deal breakers and yet they’re in my office working on the deal breakers. So the deal breakers weren’t actually deal breakers. Again, guidelines to try to keep the couple connected to themselves.
And that’s what I want to transfer back to us. You have boundaries, you have rules in your mind, but can you recognize that you’re setting them up to try to help you stay connected? And then can you be aware enough in a moment to recognize, oh, this is when I do need to set a boundary. Or actually I can hold this.
And what I thought I might have needed to say no to, I actually can say yes to, or what I thought I couldn’t hold, I can actually hold. So how does all this translate into our work as clinicians? Well, in many ways. And there’s another podcast episode that’s on boundaries as well that I invite you to go listen to if this conversation is landing as interesting for you.
But from a synergetic play therapy perspective, which is my orientation, the boundary is for the clinician unless there is a safety issue. If there’s a safety issue, and this is in the playroom or outside the playroom, I mean, you just do what you got to do, right? You set the boundaries that you need to set in order to stay safe. If there is rupture that happens as a result of that, then you come back in and do the repair.
So this conversation isn’t about the ones where there’s a potential safety issue. This is more like there’s something happening interpersonally that’s starting to feel like too much, or maybe the child is starting to play or move into play that’s starting to register as too much. And I firmly believe that the play therapist has the right to decide when it’s too much and that nobody can tell that play therapist when it’s too much or not, because nobody’s in the space in that moment with them, nobody knows what’s happening in their mind, no one knows where their window of tolerance is.
And so the most that we can get curious about is what was happening at the moment. And given what was going on, might that have been an opportunity or a time to set a boundary? But I can’t know that even as a supervisor, I can’t know that I have to explore that moment with my supervisor as my supervisor really begins to feel into, oh, yeah, I did need to set a boundary, or oh yeah, I actually was able to hold more. And I think the reason why I’m questioning the boundary is I thought I should have set a boundary, but now that I look at it, no, I actually was okay.
I didn’t really need to set a boundary, and I was actually just listening to that should in my head, and that’s what was disconnecting me from my intuition. The way that you set boundaries in the playroom is going to be unique to whatever play therapy model or theory you study. I just want to speak more to how do you know when to do it and how do you know when it’s time to and that’s the piece around.
Can we recognize that it’s about our relationship with ourself? It’s not so much about helping other or educating other on good, bad, right or wrong. That’s not the real essence of boundaries. So in the playroom, from an Spt synergic play therapy perspective, I’m not setting a boundary because I want to educate my client on, like, that behavior is okay or not okay.
I’m setting a boundary because I’m recognizing that there’s about to be a rupture here. And I might say in that moment, I get it. This is important for you.
You really want me to understand this? Show me another way. And that show me another way. First of all, doesn’t make whatever the child’s doing bad.
And instead, what it does is it keeps us connected, helps the client continue to stay connected to themselves, helps me stay connected to myself. So we can stay connected in the midst of boundary setting, which is such a cool concept that boundaries doesn’t have to equal isolation, it doesn’t have to equal disconnect. In fact, boundary can actually represent a deep honoring and respect for what’s happening in the moment, for whoever is involved in the moment, but for this conversation, more importantly, you honoring you, and you listening to your own knowing of when it’s time to set a boundary.
So that’s where I want to end the conversation today. But I want you to think about this. I want you to think about what are the clues inside of you that let you know when it’s time for you to set a boundary.
And again, the boundary is the point when you’re about to lose yourself. And then from that place, how can you think about doing a boundary in a more relational way versus making the other person wrong or right or bad or labeling? And then it’s really about helping you stay connected and helping them understand you at a deeper level. And I also mentioned this one, and there are times when the boundary is I’m done.
I need to be quiet. I need to walk away. I need to choose something different.
I need to choose a different relationship. And how do you deeply listen to yourself and then take the steps to honor yourself, even when it is at that level? So that’s what I want you to think about. And then think about how that translates into your work in the playroom as a play therapist, helping you understand when it’s time for you to set the boundary and how that knowing actually helps you stay connected to yourself.
Wherever you are. Be well. Take care of yourselves, set the boundaries.
You are the most important toy in that playroom.
