In therapeutic work with families, we often focus on individuals’ nervous systems—whether it’s the child’s, the caregiver’s, or even each family member separately. However, there’s another layer to family dynamics worth exploring: the collective nervous system of the family. I invite you to see the family as an interconnected system, always working to maintain equilibrium among its members…because recognizing this dynamic can deepen our understanding of family behaviors and provide valuable insights for meaningful therapeutic support.
A New Perspective: The Collective Nervous System
We know that each family member has a unique nervous system that responds to life’s challenges, moving fluidly between states of activation. When someone perceives a threat or stressor, their nervous system may shift into sympathetic (fight-or-flight) mode or dorsal (collapse) mode, depending on personal patterns. While these responses are individual, family members’ nervous systems are not isolated from each other—they are, instead, in continuous conversation, influencing and adapting to each other’s states to maintain balance.
This balance may not always appear “harmonious” in the traditional sense. In fact, it often manifests as a complex mix of different nervous system states within the family. For example, in a family with a highly active (sympathetic) member, others may lean towards a more dorsal (quieter or withdrawn) state, creating a balance that supports the family system as a whole. This dynamic balancing act helps keep the family functioning, even if it presents challenges.
How Family Members Assume Balancing Roles
It’s common to observe specific roles in family systems as members respond to each other’s nervous system states. Possibilities include, but not limited to:
- Siblings: In a family with two children, one child might display active or anxious behavior (sympathetic), while the other may take on a quieter, more withdrawn role (dorsal). This distribution is part of the family’s effort to maintain balance.
- Partners: In partnerships, one partner may typically respond to stress with more sympathetic energy (reactive or vigilant), while the other partner might adopt a more dorsal response (withdrawn or reserved). This dynamic is common in relationships and reflects the balancing needs of the system.
Interestingly, when a caregiver(s) operates with high sympathetic energy, it’s likely that a child in the system will lean towards a more dorsal state to balance the overall system. Likewise, the caregiver(s) who tends toward dorsal expression may have a child who exhibits more sympathetic activation, contributing to a balanced family dynamic.
Think of the family like a balloon: if you squeeze one side, it forces the other side to expand. The family system is constantly redistributing nervous system energy among its members, creating this essential balance.
Reframing Family Dynamics as Balanced Systems
Viewing family dynamics through the lens of a collective nervous system offers a deeply connected way to understand behaviors that might otherwise seem “problematic.” It allows us to recognize that each family member’s nervous system is actively contributing to the family’s overall balance. Sometimes, this balance can manifest as intense or contrasting states, but it’s always a system striving to function cohesively.
When we appreciate the family’s inherent balancing act, we can work with it rather than against it. Our role shifts to supporting family members as they co-regulate, recognize each other’s states and deepen their capacity to find balance within their system. We are more likely to foster a sense of resilience and provide families with the tools to navigate challenges more effectively. We also offer new possibilities for therapeutic growth, allowing us to engage the family on a deeper, more connected level.
Much love on the journey 💜
Lisa
